How to Quit Smoking (the Planet)

Some easy familiar steps.

Isn’t it kind of stupid to take COP27 seriously?

When I decided to quit smoking, I consulted the experts. World leaders. People who know how to get things done. They’re busy (or at least acting busy) this week at COP27, so I spoke with them last week.

Taking advantage of their wisdom and experience, I developed this plan:

1. Get a bunch of people together to talk about quitting smoking. Afterwards, do nothing. Keep smoking like a chimney. Repeat 27 times.
2. Make a loud public pledge to stop smoking. Afterwards, do nothing. Keep smoking like a chimney.
3. Announce pledges by me and all my friends that we’ll stop smoking by 2050 or 2030 or whenever. Afterwards, do nothing. Keep smoking like a chimney.
4. Have my friends write articles about why I can’t stop smoking, or smoking is good for the economy or they see signs that my efforts to stop smoking are actually working. Afterwards, do nothing. Keep smoking like a chimney.
5. When the doctors diagnose me with lung cancer, talk about the marvels of modern medicine and how I know they’ll find a cure. Keep smoking like a chimney.
6. Studiously ignore when other people, lifelong smokers, die of lung cancer. That isn’t my problem. Keep smoking like a chimney.
7. When others voice…